was it something i said (or is it my personality)
by JeDorsToutLeTemps
Summary: He scares her. (Not what you might think)


He scared her.

It wasn't the same way the Hulk scared, it wasn't the same way that Russia did.

It was it's own fear, in it's own category.

Which scared her worse.

It wasn't his body that did it - his height and broad shoulders were nothing to scoff at, but they weren't it. It wasn't his views - he was _never_ morally ambiguous. It wasn't his personality - she'd seen first hand how shy and lost he was. It wasn't his brains - they were something she could appreciate. It wasn't even his legacy - _America's Favorite Son_. It wasn't his past, either.

It was his potential. His impact. His - she didn't think there was a word for it. It was too encompassing for a word.

He impacted her. She began to think like him, to walk like him sometimes, and even eat some of the food he liked. She watched some of the shows and movie he liked, just to know about them; just so they could have a conversation about it. He made her think about the damage each and every thing she did would cause. He was someone she sought out when she wanted to "talk things out," since he'd offered.

And his potential. Oh, it was completely unparalled by anyone anywhere. Well, except Thor, but she wasn't talking about _that_ potential.

She meant his potential to be one of the few men she... _loved._

(He'd be joining the ranks of James, Clint and Nick Fury. She loved them all, or did, all in different ways.)

The word made her shudder. Love was horrifying in it's vastness, in it's largeness, in it's worldliness. It had so many different forms to take, and they were rarely good.

(_I love you, but I can't stand you. You drive me insane._

_I love you, that's why I do these things to you._

_I love you, I want what's best for you, and that's why I won't let you do the thing._

_I love you, so I killed someone to impress you. I thought you'd like it!_

_I love you, but I shouldn't. I can't._)

She knew, deep down, that he couldn't help it. He didn't know how he was affecting her. She knew that if she ever did love him, and he loved her back, it would be nothing but rainbows and sunshine and constant missions at 3 AM that encroached on bedroom time.

But, she couldn't take the chance.

She couldn't be compromised. Not like other agents. Not like Phil, not like Tony, not like Ward. And Steve would do that to her.

So she had the brilliant idea to ignore him whenever she could, and show no emotion when she couldn't.

"Natasha?" Steve asked her. She'd been ignoring him since the revelation she'd had two onths prior. "Can I talk to you?"

"_Ooooooh_," Tony drags out. She turns to him, gives him a glare that could turn water to ice in seconds, and walks past the whole team plus extras to where Steve was.

Darcy raises an eyebrow as she passes by. Natasha narrowed her eyes at the younger woman, causing her to raise her hands in surrender.

When she reaches Steve (with Clint's eyes on her back, and Bruce's looking past her to Steve, who had locked gazes with Sam, because everyone had to be there and know that she was pointedly avoiding him), he gestures her to another room. She follows, keeps her face blank and her body stiff.

He waits a moment after they walk in. He had locked the door behind him, and then looked up to the cieling. "Jarvis, could you please make sure no one is listening in?"

"Of course, Captain. Shall I have them listen to explosion noises if they try?" Good ol' Jarvis.

"Yes." Steve said after a moment. Then he turned to her. She raised an eyebrow, distantly wishing that they could go back to the way they had been when HYDRA was the biggest pain in her ass. She wishes she could still be trying to set him up, while he declined every one of them. "Natasha."

"That's my name." When being interrogated by your friend and leader, always use humor.

"Can we make an agreement to speak only the truth here, in this room, at this moment? I won't even make you do it out side of this room," he offers.

Natasha bites off a sigh. She doesn't want to do this. She wants to be far, far away from this mess. She wants things to be normal again, or completely different in that she doesn't have to see him every day. "Fine."

He smiles at her, and her chest clenches. Damn him. This was why she ignored him. "Thank you. I just have a question to ask."

"Shoot." Her voice has no inflection, nothing but ice.

His smile wans, but he powers on. "Why have you been ignoring me? I'm going to assume it's intentional, because I'm the only one you've been avoiding. Even Tony sees more of you than me, and you hate him." He pauses. "Did I do something?"

As if she wasn't tense before, her body coils up inside. She feels her fists clench into balls. "I don't hate Tony, I just want to kill him. And no, you didn't do anything. It's all been on me."

"Why?" Steve asks after she stops talking and it becomes obvious she won't continue. "Why are you so adamantly-"

"It's because you're compromising me!" She momentarily loses her grip on her anger over the whole situation.

There's reason to be angry. She's been doing this her whole life without once being close enough to a person that they clouded her judgement, and now, _now,_ she gets compromised. And of course it was her leader, her sad-puppy friend, her teammate. It was Steve.

He looks confused, then awed. He must understand the extent of what _compromised_ means to her. He grins, and it's ore genine than she'd ever seen it. "Really?" He asks, and he sounds too much like a child on Christmas morning for her to be comfortable.

This time, she did sigh. Her anger drained out of her, and because she knew it would come back, she let it leave. She nodded.

He beamed at her.

Then, his smile melted. "Natasha," he sighed, dragging a hand over his face. "I thought that I'd done something wrong. Next time... Can you tell someone? Tell me? Not let me wallow anymore than I already do?"

Natasha hadn't thought of what effect she might have on him. Slowly, she nodded. Then, she approached him, and he let her.

Her fist hit him right in the stomach, and he curled forward slightly. "I'm not happy about being compromised." She hissed at him. He looked at her, probably thinking about something she wouldn't be able to guess what was. Another thing that made her angry. "We need to keep up apperances. I'll slink out, and you can storm out. Tony will leave you alone if you look angry enough," she tells him, and, trying not to think about what she just said could possibly mean, kisses his cheek.

Then, she slinks out.


End file.
